Caren finds ceiling fans on sale in Costco. Because the fan in the house is old, tired, and most of all, ugly, we plunk down a few bills for one.
April 28 11:30 am
Caren suggests we install the fan. I cringe because fans should be easy, but I know that they are not.
Soon we have a new location on the ceiling picked out... one that is more centered in the room... Caren is standing on a stool with a drill. I am sitting in fiber glass insulation in the attic trying to locate the hole she has drilled.
11:45 am
The hole has been located. The tired, old fan has been removed. I am in the attic again with a keyhole saw, a crescent wrench, and a power drill. Soon I have the fan box relocated and am ready to start hanging the new fan. Caren is complaining of a headache.
12:00 pm
I remember that ceiling fans need electricity. Fortunately I have previously installed three-way switches to power the fan from opposite sides of the room. All I need to do is run one wire from the last switch on the three way circuit to the fan. Caren has a headache.
12:30 pm
The power is off at the fuse box. I am in the attic with wire cutters, wire nuts, pliers, and electrical tape. I am swimming in insulation. Caren is in the room below me with the wire fishing tool. We are having no luck running new wire from the switch thru the wall to the attic. I am beginning to get frustrated. Caren appears pale.
1:30 pm
We are both standing on the front deck pulling siding off the house to open up the wall and run the new wire. I am cussing. Caren is cringing.
2:00 pm
I am standing on the front porch putting siding back on the house after running new wire. Caren is falling asleep on the couch.
3:00 pm
I am in the attic connecting new wires. Caren is asleep on the couch.
4:00 pm
The wiring is connected, and I am testing the three-way circuit. The fan works great. The porch light does not. I am cussing again. Caren is still sleeping on the couch.
4:15 pm
I am rewiring the three-way switch to get power to the porch light. The fan still works great. The porch light still does not. I am still cussing. Caren is still sleeping on the couch.
4:30 pm
I am re-rewiring the three-way switch to power the porch light. The fan still works great. The porch light still does not. Despite my loud cussing, Caren is still sleeping on the couch.
5:00 pm
I give up trying to power the porch light from the three-way circuit. I decide I will connect it to a different circuit at a later date. Caren is still sleeping on the couch.
6:00 pm
I begin assembling the fan. Caren has moved to the bedroom.
8:00 pm
The fan is assembled. It is mostly hung. All that is left is the trim piece that is supposed to sit flush against the ceiling. The trim piece does not sit flush against the ceiling. I am frustrated because I realize that I have to take the whole fan down, disconnect the wiring, and make adjustments to the ceiling box so that the trim will sit flush. I have given up on cussing. Caren is sound asleep in bed.
9:00 pm
I am installing the fan for the second time. This time the trim piece sits flush. Caren has stirred enough to use the restroom, but she is again sound asleep.
9:05 pm
My expensive wire strippers simultaneously arc and melt as I realize that I forgot to turn the power of before installing the fan for the second time. I cuss while Caren sleeps thru the light show.
10:00 pm
The fan is installed and I am ready to test it. The three-way switch does not work. I am very frustrated because I spent so much time on the three-way switches and the fan is controlled remotely. The remote is very cool, but it overrides the three-way switches. I will not have my three-way switches relegated to useless status. Caren continues to sleep.
11:00 pm
I am drinking beer. After having given up on trying to get the three-way switches to work with the remote, I have decided I am done for the evening. Caren still sleeps.
April 29th 2:00 am
I am laying in bed puzzling over the remote control. Caren is sleeping peacefully.
6:15 am
Caren thinks the remote control is the coolest thing since sliced bread. I am sleeping.
7:30 am
I am removing the receiver for the remote control unit from the fan. I am wondering how many times I will connect and disconnect the fan's wiring before I am done. Caren is disappointed that she doesn't get to have a remote control fan.
8:00 am
I am satisfied. The fan works, its accompanying light works. The hole is patched in the ceiling where the old fan used to be. The burn marks on the ceiling from my once-expensive wire strippers will be repainted soon. The siding is back on the house. The porch light will work again... someday. Caren is feeling much better.
The sum total of way too many hours of labor
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